Sometimes it takes the moon...

Sometimes it takes the moon in order to see the sun.

It's easy to look so far into the future that you don't see what you're missing now. So easy, in fact, that you don't even realize something isn't there until all of a sudden it is. There are those of you who nodding your head in complete understanding…you get it. It happens in life…

This happens often with everyday life, too. For those situations that the heart doesn't control. Be it a career, a job, educational goals, or even a simple resolution to a nagging problem. We focus so intently on one aspect that we are completely blind to the simplest of things.

Are we all over-thinkers?

Do you ever think that maybe we think too much about things? That we apply meaning where none is intended? We use death to gauge life and when a loved one passes we talk about the philosophies of living each moment as we face our mortality. But what if death is not intended for that? What if it isn't meant to be a lesson, but rather it just is what it is…an ending.

What about love? We can fill books about this emotion. People discuss what it is, how it feels, what it means, stories, poems, and so much other emotion-filled text, but what if it really isn't all that? What if love really is just a chemical reaction and we just take it upon ourselves as humans to add all the emotional backdrop? Something simple and clearly defined until we muddy the waters with too much description, over-analysis, and feelings.

We look at life and ponder our choices. We wonder where one decision will lead, or try to figure out if something we did in the past brought us to our current lot in life. We analyze everything, tearing our choices apart until they become either meaningless or extremely stressful. Perhaps, this analysis is futile. Maybe all we are doing is bringing ourselves more tension, more stress that is unneeded. Perhaps life really is just about our day to day existence until we reach the end.

Mind you, I'm not saying this is all true or trying to start a new religion or anything (ha ha), but isn't it possible that there are some things out there that truly don't deserve the depth and meaning we assign to it? As human beings, we naturally look for deeper and/or hidden meaning in everything, but imagine how much easier life would be if we were able to mute that part of our brain. Imagine if that bird poop on your windshield is just bird poop and not some sign that karma is catching is up to you.

We all live up to some sort of standards, whether we set them ourselves or live by the preset notion that others have allotted for us. We can see signs and meaning in everything if we choose to look hard enough from a leaf falling to the wind sounding like a voice in our ear. For those who need more complication or has to flip a coin to decide which way to turn, analyze away. For the rest of us, why do we insist on complicating things that just don't need to be complicated? Sometimes, a bird just has to take a crap.

Do you remember "Dear Diary?"

It's been awhile since I've been able to put pen to paper - or in this case, finger to keyboard. A lot has happened over the last few weeks...things that bring about personal changes on some level. This brings about my topic of the day.

Do you remember back in the day when your started your writing with "Dear Diary?" Back when pens, pencils, and actual paper were commonplace? Personally, I still prefer pen and paper as my medium, but nonetheless times are changing.

Before, we hid our journals under our mattresses or in other inconspicuous places away from prying eyes. Today, we post our woes for all the world to read. I wonder how different my teen years would've been if blogs were available back then. *Shudder* Never mind, I just had a moment of clarity as to how much more trouble I'd have gotten into.

We are developing into a society that no longer takes personal space and privacy into consideration. With all the social media sites on the web, we are being prompted and tempted to share information with strangers that we would have a hard time sharing with friends. Is the cloak of anonymity that heavy and seemingly safe? We post status messages without thought that screams of personal information. We are essentially inviting people we've never met into our lives by including them in our posts of joys and sorrows.

Let's take a collective pause and think about this for a moment. Think about your "friends" list. That list is the minimum (yes, MINIMUM) amount of people who will see your post, depending on your privacy settings. Would you invite everyone on that list to your house for dinner? Would you greet each one of them with a hug? Many are shaking their head no right now. That's my point. We are sharing our most personal thoughts, feelings, and secrets with people we don't even know, in most cases. In a nutshell, this is like walking down a crowded sidewalk and telling every person you pass your personal business.

Ha! I just had a visual of walking down the road and having some woman come up me saying "I've had the worst day. My boyfriend cheated on me, can you believe it? I'm gonna pick up my kids from school then figure out what's for dinner. After the kids are in bed, I'm gonna kill him" before she moves on to the person after you and repeats her spiel. Hmm, come to think of it that would make for an interesting parody or episode of "What Would You Do?" Ha! It'd be interesting to see strangers expressions and reactions at the real life Facebook/social media scenario.

So my point...what is it exactly? I guess it's just to point that time brings change in all of us. Be it good or bad, change is inevitable.

Learning Curve

I'm learning. Backing away. Hiding my face in shadows so you cannot see what I portray. Pain accompanies the distance being set. Rather than let you see it I'm learning to turn my head. Not allow our eyes to meet. Pretend the feel of your skin doesn't electrocute me upon contact. Shadows welcome me. Until you invite me into the sunlight, this is my home.

Perhaps the greatest love story to ever be told will simply be never told.

Dating via Text message? Really?!?

Texting has changed the way we communicate. This, I understand. Some of us, myself included, text while driving, at work, in bed, during class, and really anywhere else you can imagine. When dating someone we look forward to that text from “her” even if it is just, “Good morning (winking face).”  We even place certain values around the text itself based on how long it takes them to write back and what kind of crappy face we can make with the symbols. I'm guilty of it. We all are.

So while looking up some dating articles, I somehow came across a series of articles regarding dating via text messages. I mean, really?!? I understand texting while you're dating, but dating by text? How in the heck does this work?

At this point, I'm imaging something along the lines of:

Texter 1: Hey, babe, wanna meet for dinner tonight?
Texter 2: That sounds nice. What time?
Texter 1: How about 6pm?
Texter 2: Wonderful. See ya then.
So around 6pm, rather than physically meeting, it would be some sort of kindred text chat as they both eat together yet separately?
Texter 1: So, what's for dinner tonight?
Texter 2: I made bowtie pasta with garlic alfredo sauce and it's delish. You?
Texter 1: I made steak with some grilled corn.
Texter 2: Mmm, that sounds great. Are you eating at the table or on the couch?
Texter 1: I'm at the table.
Texter 2: Wow, that was terrific. I'm gonna wash dishes now. Thanks for the joining me.
Texter 1: Anytime. Let's do this again. Chat later.

Whew! With a dinner date like that, I wonder how the sex would be. Because I am fairly sure that isn't what really happens, I decided to pull on my waders and read the articles. Interesting, to say the least.

The articles claim that text message dating is dating at your pace with less emotional risk. Hmm, isn't the emotional aspect what draws people to date someone to begin with? The articles even talk about virtual gifts and text flirting. Are people afraid to actually hear someone's voice these days? From personal experience, the worst is when you craft the gushiest, most awesome lovey-dovey text and it runs the risk of just getting, “LOL” or a smiley face in return.

Understand, I'm not against texting the one you are dating. This whole rant was about dating via text…not about communicating via text. Totally different things. Perhaps I'm a bit old-school but I think if you're going to go out on a date, you need to physically see that person. Just a thought...

What if failing was not an option?

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” -Robert H. Schuller

Many of us have heard that quote before at one point in our lives. But how many of you have ever taken the time to truly consider it? Did you let it wash through you? There have been several times I have considered what I would do and each time I decide I want to smile more and lead a life filled with all of my deepest desires. But who can really do that while maintaining a life full of responsibilities? At some point, we all have to do things we don’t want to do or have to refrain from doing things that we are not capable of doing due to reasons outside of our control.

Today, I decided I wanted to analyze it again. What is it that I want out of life? Success, sure...who doesn’t want that? But on a deeper level, what do I want? I can tout about adventure, mysticism, romance, and respect. Of course, I want that but - Borrrrring. No, I want to fly. I want a freedom that the average individual cannot achieve. I want that life experience you get when you find out you don’t have much time left. You know, when you love deeper, live easier, and play harder. I want to regret nothing and do everything. But I’m digressing here and kind of moving all over the place. Allow me to get back on topic.

What would I do if the chance of failure was off the table? Here is where I want to say that I would take the first step in one of the many directions I am looking at but...would I? Would you? Isn’t the fear of failure part of what keeps us all on track? If there was no chance of failing, would it not be considered easy? And when things are easy, do we not take them for granted? And when we take them for granted, are they not just another meaningless task that we have accomplished in our lives? Without failure, there would be no success, no adventure, no risk, and no romance. So really, if failure is such a key to success, why do we let it weigh us down? Simple answer is because it’s easy, the more fulfilling answer lies within you.

Lessons...

So we learn lessons in life through experience. Hindsight is bullshit, despite the hype it gets because really it's just another way of saying "oops, I should have done this instead of that." And really...who needs yet another reminder that you screwed up in the first place, right? I can totally see you nodding your head right now. Don't worry, you aren't alone.

Speaking of lessons, I've been learning a lot of them lately. First off, I've learned that patience takes a LOT of freakin' patience. Second, I've learned that sometimes I'm a really slow learner. I'm actually grinning right now as I'm typing this. Not because it's amusing...no, that's not it at all. So why am I grinning, you ask? Because right now, I'm not really sure what else to do. My brain runs a million miles a minute usually. Today however, my brain is comatose. I'm not even sure it's still in my head right now. *sigh*

I don't really have much else to say today. Another time perhaps.

Words...too tangled in my brain?

It's been awhile since I've put something out there but the oddest thing has happened. Odd even for me. I'm a writer. It's a part of me...a part of who I am. Yet lately, I've had so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings that I just can't seem to put into words. It's like they are tangled up in my heart and in my brain and I just can't express them. You must understand that for someone who can usually put pen to paper rather easily, this is outrageously frustrating!

I can feel them, taste them, nearly touch them - they are thumping from within so hard. However, when I try to write them down, I feel inept. The words I write seem too simple. Not nearly descriptive enough to give them credit. I'm frustrated enough at myself and my ability that it weighs like a stone in my chest.

Why? Why am I having such difficulty? I asked a good friend that same question. In return, she repeated it back to me as if hearing it phrased in her voice would allow me to provide an answer. Not so much. Epic fail...still no idea. All I can think is that they are so new - so foreign - to me that I simply cannot describe them. Did I mention how frustrating this is?

You know that feeling you get when you reach your hand into an unexpected spider web (without the spider)? If you try to describe it, what do you get? Try it right now. You get these words that just don't do it justice. It's nearly indescribable. It's sticky, yet silky. Gross, yet weird. I could go on but you get the idea. That's what this is like for me. So tangled, so intense, so...yeah...that I just can't put them on paper. Ugh. Ugh. Double ugh!

A Ramble Without A Ramble...What?!?

Yup, that's right. I'm so exhausted today that my thoughts are fairly free-flowing and I'm not certain I can actually harness them enough to form complete sentences, much less complete thoughts. I know, I know…shocking, right?

The wonders of exhaustion never cease to amaze me. You get that same "I don't give a sh*t" attitude that you get when you drink too much, but without the fun. What's up with that, I ask you? Not fair. Nope, not fair at all.

So I was reading this article online about flying carp fishing. Now I've seen those videos a hundred times like we all have, I'm sure. Some fools getting themselves in a wad to try and catch "flying" carp from a boat. Mind you, I think it sounds like a great time so who am I to scoff at their antics as they duck to avoid a broken nose? What makes me mention this is that this morning, as I was using toothpicks to hold my eyelids open during my drive to work, I had a thought. Yup, just one. Believe me, that's all I can handle right now. Anyways, I was considering how my luck would play into it if I actually got the opportunity to catch flying fish. I believe it would probably go something like this:

H (this is me): Wow this is awesome.
F (The fool that went with me): Yeah, it is, now sit down.
H: But I wanna see them.
F: What part of flying did you miss? You will see them as soon as we get over there.
This is where I would deeply sigh and sit down with my arms crossed as the driver scoffs at my impatience. But I sit. Tapping my foot. Sighing impatiently. Looking everywhere but in front of me. Then I see something and stand up.
H: Is that one?
F: Is what one?
H: That. Right there.
F (with a raised brow): the turtle? The turtle is not one. Sit down.
Properly chastised and a bit butt-hurt, I sit. impatiently. Sighing. Then it happens. There we are. There are fish jumping out of the water. Real fish. Not turtles. I stand up despite the drivers protest. Flying fish.
H: This is so bada$$.
F: Be careful.
H (Looking at F quizzically): Careful? What do you mean be careful? They are fish.
Then it happens. A fish jumps at my face. I see it in my peripheral vision because I wasn't *ahem* paying attention. I duck. It misses me. Triumph! Then I feel this slimy cold something hit my face and I jerk sideways. Slipping. Losing my footing. Mentally screaming a profanity, I feel myself begin to fall. Off the boat. Into the water. With giant fish. That jump. And who knows what else is lurking in that flying fish breeding water. I'm no longer having fun. 

No good comes from UNKNOWN callers

I subscribe to Field & Stream magazine. I have for quite awhile now. I enjoy the magazine. A lot. I hunt, I fish, and I enjoy reading about it. This magazine boasts lots of good information.

Recently I had a phone call that made the caller ID show UNKNOWN. Generally, I don't answer these calls, letting them go to voicemail for me to screen and call back if I so choose to do so. For some reason, on this day, I picked it up it anyway - not my traditional modus operandi. I don't know what got into me - don't know what made my brain scream to answer it.

"Hello?" I said quizzically.

A polite man's voice responded, "Hi, is Mr. or Mrs. yet-another-butchered-attempt-at-my-last-name available?"

Already regretting my decision to answer the phone, I automatically claimed "No, sorry." I should know better - nothing good ever comes from 99.9% of UNKNOWN calls. I briefly considered just hanging up but like an idiot I blurted "Can I take a message?" Here I'm thinking I better be sure it's nothing important since I already went the mile to answer the stupid call.

"This is John from Field & Stream magazine and I would really like to speak to the man of the house, please. Do you happen to know when he will be available?"

My jaw dropped and my my brain went fuzzy. Really?!? Wouldn't a glance at his list show that it is MY name on the magazine subscription? I was momentarily speechless. Then I recovered.

"Seriously? The man of the house? It's 2011 and the name on the magazine label is obviously female. It's not the '50s dude, don't assume and don't call back." Of course, I said this in the kindest and softest voice possible, with no trace of sarcasm and with patience just oozing out.

I'm reminded that there IS a reason I don't answer UNKNOWN calls. My impulse control really needs some adjustment.

Because of you...

It is because of you that I look back upon my past and reflect on my pain that I have tried so hard to move beyond. I have tried to forget it all but at times it creeps up on me like a shadow in the night. All you ever cared about was your own pain - your own suffering. In an act of denial, you were able to wipe it all from your memory. Poof, it never happened. Lucky you. I had an empty portion of life that I was pretty much ashamed of for many years. It was only in the last few years that the sun was able to shine through my own clouds.

I held onto the anger, held onto the pain despite myself. The problem is that it didn't phase you in the least. The only one I made miserable was myself. I got lost in my own head and in doing so was only able to blame myself for any loss I had. I want so desperately to blame you for everything. Fact is, I can only blame you for laying the foundation, for teaching me to trust only myself, for showing me that emotions are a weakness that should be shown to nobody. For that, I can blame you. But for everything else, the blame lies on my own shoulders.

It took a different education - an alternate way of thinking, if you will - for me to realize that not only can I stand on my own two feet but that I am stronger than you will ever be. That is because of you - and for that, I can thank you.

Yin and Yang of Life

Sometimes, it takes a death to remind us to live. It's a shame that we need to be reminded of our own mortality. It's during these times that we think back to the things we "should have" said - those things we "should have" done.

Life is a gift that so many take for granted. I'm not preaching here, I am just as guilty as all of you. So I ask you this: Have you hugged those around you that have a place in your heart? Have you kissed those you care for? Have you spoken aloud "I love you" to those you love? Do you fall asleep with the gentle touch of someone who has stolen your heart?

Really that segues into my next topic - love. Love is an opportunity presented by the heavens - a gift that so many actually CHOOSE to turn away from. What will it take to understand that we do not have an infinite amount of tomorrows ahead of us? At what point, will we stop running? We all plan on our version of "forever." But what is forever other than that day after our last? Forever could be tomorrow so why hold out for something that nobody will ever actually see?!? That's harsh, I know, but it's true. You will never see "forever." When your final breath is taken, your forever on earth ends. Even if it lives on within someone else, it's just as temporary.

You're wondering what my point is, right? I do have a point other than just trying to depress you. My point is this: Let's stop romanticizing it and begin living it.

I have friends and family members who are simply unwilling to take the chance, others who are willing to do everything in their power BUT open their hearts to someone who truly cares. They will get involved in every "safe" relationship they can until feelings become involved. They choose the path of loneliness in an effort to avoid getting hurt. But isn't it true that some pain is what teaches us how to appreciate joy? It is sorrow that teaches us happiness. This is the yin and yang of life. You cannot experience one without having experienced the other.

Take a chance on what feels right to you before it becomes just another "should have" on your list of regrets.

Floating through my brain...

I get asked pretty often about what goes on in my brain and I must be the first to admit that at times, not even I am certain. Thoughts and ideas seem to float freely from one side to the other and back again. Sometimes I can catch them and hold onto them long enough to actually jot them down. Other times, half sentences get spoken as the words spew forth from my mouth in an attempt to say something...oftentimes resulting in me "umming" as I search for the remainder of the sentence as quizzical eyes stare at me. My problem is that my brain is so overactive that it seems like it never stops. Even in my sleep, a thought will wake me up until I can write it down. It seems like no matter how exhausted I am, my brain just won't shut down. Frustrating is what it is.

What I find interesting is that my dreams are very vivid. I heard once that many people dream in black and white...is this true? I don't recall EVER having a black and white dream. My dreams are so true to life, so vivid, and so real that sometimes the dream me is aware that it's a dream. Even then my thoughts come into play. It's so weird. All of my senses work in my dream worlds, sight, sound, smell, everything. At times, I wake up actually knowing what something feels like even though I've never touched it before. I can describe tastes even though I've never eaten it before. I tell you, over-activity at its' finest.

So what is my point, today? Do I even have one? Not really so much. A pointless ramble to add to the masses. A purging of my brain in the hopes that it will calm down. To that, I say HA! Right now, I'm working on finishing up a story I've been working on for a few years so not only do I have to deal with the randomness of my thoughts, I also have to deal with my characters "talking" to me. I'll be in the middle of a homework paper and one character knocks on my brain and says "Hey, I've got something to say, grab your pen." The next character will then kick the other side of my brain and holler at me "I hate my hair, can you make it longer?" And somewhere in there I have to sleep....*sigh*.

Love? What is it?

I was asked by a friend of mine how you know if you're in love with someone. After mentally running through the proverbial and often used expressions, I offered a head tilt and delved into my own brain to self-reflect for a moment. It was a good question. How do you know? Oftentimes, it gets confused with other emotions like lust, desire, even general love. At what point do you know that you have made that leap from loving someone to being "in love" with someone?

I would imagine that you would know by the tingling in your fingers when you touch that person, the fluttering of your heart when their name is mentioned or when their presence is known.  It doesn’t just mean those stereotypical hearts and cupids - those usually only last the first few months of any new relationship. It’s so much more than that. It's those moments when you look at the person and feel this unbearable urge to break them in two with a hug while at the same time wanting to wrap them in layers of soft cotton so they can’t be hurt or shattered by anything. It's more than just wanting to be in the same room with them, its being the room for them. It's being more than the air they breathe, its being their lungs to help them breathe. It's having a difficult time not having some form of contact with them, be it a hand on their arm, your legs touching under the dinner table, or just feeling their breath upon your skin. It's the desire of having them stand beside you throughout anything that comes your way. It's not hiding behind a persona, not worrying about if they "get" you or not, it is simply knowing that you feel your best when you are together.

I don’t know how else to put it: being in love keeps people together because they never stop just being there for each other.

Small word, Big meaning

"Babe." Such a small word that holds so much meaning when it's spoken by someone you love. A hint of tenderness, a subtle note of affection, a tease of love. A small word that borders on an intimacy that every relationship is drawn upon.

It becomes habitual, second nature at times but never less poignant than the last time it was used.

Undefined

Undefined. Who I was, I am no longer. Who I will be, I am not yet. Who I am is undefined. A shadow in a life passed, a glimmer in a life to come, but a blur in a life that is. When you left, you took my status. With my job, went my means. With my heart, my identity went. Who am I now but a mere existence without meaning...a mere color smear on a dark tapestry. Undefined. Without lines. Without border. Who I was, I am no longer. Who I will be, I am not yet. Who I am, I am unknowing.