A Ramble Without A Ramble...What?!?

Yup, that's right. I'm so exhausted today that my thoughts are fairly free-flowing and I'm not certain I can actually harness them enough to form complete sentences, much less complete thoughts. I know, I know…shocking, right?

The wonders of exhaustion never cease to amaze me. You get that same "I don't give a sh*t" attitude that you get when you drink too much, but without the fun. What's up with that, I ask you? Not fair. Nope, not fair at all.

So I was reading this article online about flying carp fishing. Now I've seen those videos a hundred times like we all have, I'm sure. Some fools getting themselves in a wad to try and catch "flying" carp from a boat. Mind you, I think it sounds like a great time so who am I to scoff at their antics as they duck to avoid a broken nose? What makes me mention this is that this morning, as I was using toothpicks to hold my eyelids open during my drive to work, I had a thought. Yup, just one. Believe me, that's all I can handle right now. Anyways, I was considering how my luck would play into it if I actually got the opportunity to catch flying fish. I believe it would probably go something like this:

H (this is me): Wow this is awesome.
F (The fool that went with me): Yeah, it is, now sit down.
H: But I wanna see them.
F: What part of flying did you miss? You will see them as soon as we get over there.
This is where I would deeply sigh and sit down with my arms crossed as the driver scoffs at my impatience. But I sit. Tapping my foot. Sighing impatiently. Looking everywhere but in front of me. Then I see something and stand up.
H: Is that one?
F: Is what one?
H: That. Right there.
F (with a raised brow): the turtle? The turtle is not one. Sit down.
Properly chastised and a bit butt-hurt, I sit. impatiently. Sighing. Then it happens. There we are. There are fish jumping out of the water. Real fish. Not turtles. I stand up despite the drivers protest. Flying fish.
H: This is so bada$$.
F: Be careful.
H (Looking at F quizzically): Careful? What do you mean be careful? They are fish.
Then it happens. A fish jumps at my face. I see it in my peripheral vision because I wasn't *ahem* paying attention. I duck. It misses me. Triumph! Then I feel this slimy cold something hit my face and I jerk sideways. Slipping. Losing my footing. Mentally screaming a profanity, I feel myself begin to fall. Off the boat. Into the water. With giant fish. That jump. And who knows what else is lurking in that flying fish breeding water. I'm no longer having fun. 

No good comes from UNKNOWN callers

I subscribe to Field & Stream magazine. I have for quite awhile now. I enjoy the magazine. A lot. I hunt, I fish, and I enjoy reading about it. This magazine boasts lots of good information.

Recently I had a phone call that made the caller ID show UNKNOWN. Generally, I don't answer these calls, letting them go to voicemail for me to screen and call back if I so choose to do so. For some reason, on this day, I picked it up it anyway - not my traditional modus operandi. I don't know what got into me - don't know what made my brain scream to answer it.

"Hello?" I said quizzically.

A polite man's voice responded, "Hi, is Mr. or Mrs. yet-another-butchered-attempt-at-my-last-name available?"

Already regretting my decision to answer the phone, I automatically claimed "No, sorry." I should know better - nothing good ever comes from 99.9% of UNKNOWN calls. I briefly considered just hanging up but like an idiot I blurted "Can I take a message?" Here I'm thinking I better be sure it's nothing important since I already went the mile to answer the stupid call.

"This is John from Field & Stream magazine and I would really like to speak to the man of the house, please. Do you happen to know when he will be available?"

My jaw dropped and my my brain went fuzzy. Really?!? Wouldn't a glance at his list show that it is MY name on the magazine subscription? I was momentarily speechless. Then I recovered.

"Seriously? The man of the house? It's 2011 and the name on the magazine label is obviously female. It's not the '50s dude, don't assume and don't call back." Of course, I said this in the kindest and softest voice possible, with no trace of sarcasm and with patience just oozing out.

I'm reminded that there IS a reason I don't answer UNKNOWN calls. My impulse control really needs some adjustment.

Because of you...

It is because of you that I look back upon my past and reflect on my pain that I have tried so hard to move beyond. I have tried to forget it all but at times it creeps up on me like a shadow in the night. All you ever cared about was your own pain - your own suffering. In an act of denial, you were able to wipe it all from your memory. Poof, it never happened. Lucky you. I had an empty portion of life that I was pretty much ashamed of for many years. It was only in the last few years that the sun was able to shine through my own clouds.

I held onto the anger, held onto the pain despite myself. The problem is that it didn't phase you in the least. The only one I made miserable was myself. I got lost in my own head and in doing so was only able to blame myself for any loss I had. I want so desperately to blame you for everything. Fact is, I can only blame you for laying the foundation, for teaching me to trust only myself, for showing me that emotions are a weakness that should be shown to nobody. For that, I can blame you. But for everything else, the blame lies on my own shoulders.

It took a different education - an alternate way of thinking, if you will - for me to realize that not only can I stand on my own two feet but that I am stronger than you will ever be. That is because of you - and for that, I can thank you.

Yin and Yang of Life

Sometimes, it takes a death to remind us to live. It's a shame that we need to be reminded of our own mortality. It's during these times that we think back to the things we "should have" said - those things we "should have" done.

Life is a gift that so many take for granted. I'm not preaching here, I am just as guilty as all of you. So I ask you this: Have you hugged those around you that have a place in your heart? Have you kissed those you care for? Have you spoken aloud "I love you" to those you love? Do you fall asleep with the gentle touch of someone who has stolen your heart?

Really that segues into my next topic - love. Love is an opportunity presented by the heavens - a gift that so many actually CHOOSE to turn away from. What will it take to understand that we do not have an infinite amount of tomorrows ahead of us? At what point, will we stop running? We all plan on our version of "forever." But what is forever other than that day after our last? Forever could be tomorrow so why hold out for something that nobody will ever actually see?!? That's harsh, I know, but it's true. You will never see "forever." When your final breath is taken, your forever on earth ends. Even if it lives on within someone else, it's just as temporary.

You're wondering what my point is, right? I do have a point other than just trying to depress you. My point is this: Let's stop romanticizing it and begin living it.

I have friends and family members who are simply unwilling to take the chance, others who are willing to do everything in their power BUT open their hearts to someone who truly cares. They will get involved in every "safe" relationship they can until feelings become involved. They choose the path of loneliness in an effort to avoid getting hurt. But isn't it true that some pain is what teaches us how to appreciate joy? It is sorrow that teaches us happiness. This is the yin and yang of life. You cannot experience one without having experienced the other.

Take a chance on what feels right to you before it becomes just another "should have" on your list of regrets.

Floating through my brain...

I get asked pretty often about what goes on in my brain and I must be the first to admit that at times, not even I am certain. Thoughts and ideas seem to float freely from one side to the other and back again. Sometimes I can catch them and hold onto them long enough to actually jot them down. Other times, half sentences get spoken as the words spew forth from my mouth in an attempt to say something...oftentimes resulting in me "umming" as I search for the remainder of the sentence as quizzical eyes stare at me. My problem is that my brain is so overactive that it seems like it never stops. Even in my sleep, a thought will wake me up until I can write it down. It seems like no matter how exhausted I am, my brain just won't shut down. Frustrating is what it is.

What I find interesting is that my dreams are very vivid. I heard once that many people dream in black and white...is this true? I don't recall EVER having a black and white dream. My dreams are so true to life, so vivid, and so real that sometimes the dream me is aware that it's a dream. Even then my thoughts come into play. It's so weird. All of my senses work in my dream worlds, sight, sound, smell, everything. At times, I wake up actually knowing what something feels like even though I've never touched it before. I can describe tastes even though I've never eaten it before. I tell you, over-activity at its' finest.

So what is my point, today? Do I even have one? Not really so much. A pointless ramble to add to the masses. A purging of my brain in the hopes that it will calm down. To that, I say HA! Right now, I'm working on finishing up a story I've been working on for a few years so not only do I have to deal with the randomness of my thoughts, I also have to deal with my characters "talking" to me. I'll be in the middle of a homework paper and one character knocks on my brain and says "Hey, I've got something to say, grab your pen." The next character will then kick the other side of my brain and holler at me "I hate my hair, can you make it longer?" And somewhere in there I have to sleep....*sigh*.

Love? What is it?

I was asked by a friend of mine how you know if you're in love with someone. After mentally running through the proverbial and often used expressions, I offered a head tilt and delved into my own brain to self-reflect for a moment. It was a good question. How do you know? Oftentimes, it gets confused with other emotions like lust, desire, even general love. At what point do you know that you have made that leap from loving someone to being "in love" with someone?

I would imagine that you would know by the tingling in your fingers when you touch that person, the fluttering of your heart when their name is mentioned or when their presence is known.  It doesn’t just mean those stereotypical hearts and cupids - those usually only last the first few months of any new relationship. It’s so much more than that. It's those moments when you look at the person and feel this unbearable urge to break them in two with a hug while at the same time wanting to wrap them in layers of soft cotton so they can’t be hurt or shattered by anything. It's more than just wanting to be in the same room with them, its being the room for them. It's being more than the air they breathe, its being their lungs to help them breathe. It's having a difficult time not having some form of contact with them, be it a hand on their arm, your legs touching under the dinner table, or just feeling their breath upon your skin. It's the desire of having them stand beside you throughout anything that comes your way. It's not hiding behind a persona, not worrying about if they "get" you or not, it is simply knowing that you feel your best when you are together.

I don’t know how else to put it: being in love keeps people together because they never stop just being there for each other.

Small word, Big meaning

"Babe." Such a small word that holds so much meaning when it's spoken by someone you love. A hint of tenderness, a subtle note of affection, a tease of love. A small word that borders on an intimacy that every relationship is drawn upon.

It becomes habitual, second nature at times but never less poignant than the last time it was used.