Trying to Impress?

I was talking to my mom awhile back and she said something that marinated in my head until it finally had to be written. She said she doesn't understand why we (my bro and I) feel we have to try and impress my father. I was taken aback and replied that I don't ever think about impressing him, which is true. However, it did set in motion a thought process I can't seem to let go of.

On some low level of my subconscious, do I do that? I bust my ass to do all I can to improve myself on many levels...aside from normal internal motivation, is there something else? Do I somehow strive to prove that I can be something more to a man who can't even remember what I'm going to grad school for? This made me think and really analyze myself in the sub-silence of my brain.

Sure, we all have external motivations that feed our need to do better and I can acknowledge mine on only a few fingers. As a kid, I used to definitely go for his praise and I did all I could think of to try to impress the man who was my hero. During softball games, I’d make sure no ball got past me. When hunting or fishing, I made sure my knowledge and skill was better than any of my male relatives. I sought out the proud smile that made me feel so good about myself. Then I grew up.

We had our share of issues, some of which we can’t seem to get passed - many of which long ago knocked him off the “hero” pedestal he owned when I was a kid. YET...reflecting back on the times when I played softball as an adult just a few short years ago before I injured my knee...I recall still holding onto the hope that he would make an appearance at my games and would play just a tad harder. Same is true the one time he took me on a deep sea fishing trip - I would fight those fish with rubber arms just to hear him tell the deck hands that his daughter didn’t need help. Maybe I must admit that in certain elements with hobbies specific to those we shared, he does provide a motivational force. Now I must also admit that I hate it. I hate the idea that parts of my adult life have been spent unconsciously attempting to impress a man who cannot accept my lifestyle, my choices, or anything thing else that makes me who I am today. I absolutely completely despise the idea.

It sounds as if he’s a bad man...he’s not. He has just spent too many years as a toxic seat at my table. There are things I fear I have in common with him - not good things - and I vowed as a teenager to never let those things fester and show. Today, he is a man who stands on the outskirts of my life...never really an active member.

Do I ever feel that I can be good enough for him? No. No I guess I don't. I don't ever foresee pride shining from his eyes again. I don't ever believe I'll hear encouragement from his lips. I don’t kid myself into believing those are even remote possibilities and I sure as hell don’t strive forward in an attempt to make it happen.

As I reflect over these last few years, I can say that I never consciously strive for his approval nor do I ever set out to impress him. Do I secretly hold a tiny little whisper of hope that my achievements will be recognized by him? Even though I hate to admit it, I do. Will my world be torn if it doesn’t happen? No. Do I honestly care enough about it to change it? Nope...I don’t.