Are those your keys?

Aug 6, 2014

My cousin J...I just adore her. Sometimes it's easy to forget that her common sense synapses don't always work quickly. Then there are times like these...

It's early morning when I see J's caller id flashing across my phone display. It's rare she calls in the morning so I was a bit concerned when I answered the phone. She tells me she was out drinking with some friends the night before and stayed at their house because she got fairly toasted. She now has to drive to work but her car won't unlock with the keyless entry remote. 

Me: "Do you have a key to unlock it?"

J: "Well, yeah, but it won't unlock."

Me: "You tried the actual metal key, too?"

J: "Not yet, but the remote won't work."

Me: "J, try the key."

J sighs to express how much of an idiot she think I am but tries the key anyways.

J: "I tried the key and it didn't unlock the door."

Me: "Are you sure you have the right keys?"

J: "I'm not that dumb. I know they are my keys. What is the number for AAA?"

I give her the number and she hangs up, telling me she will call me back. A few minutes later, My phone rings and we pass the time chatting while she waits for AAA. The driver arrives and she tells me to hang on while she explains the situation to him. After trying the keys himself, he said he will unlock the door for her so she can drive to work. J gets back on the line with me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

J: "I told you there was something wrong with my keys, even AAA at can't make it work. Oh, he got the door open. Hang on."

AAA driver talking to her: "Go ahead and start your car for me."

J: "Okay."

I am assuming at this point that she is attempting to do just that, because then I hear, "It isn't starting."

AAA Driver: "Can you pop the hood for me?"

J: "Maybe my battery died."

AAA Driver: "Try to start it again."

J: "Still not working."

AAA: "Can I get in there and try?"

I hear the keys being passed to him. Not a moment later, the driver says, "Can I have the car key?"

J: "That is the car key."

AAA: "This key doesn't go to this car. Are you sure these are your keys?"

Silence, then J laughs. I hear mumbles between her and the driver before she thanks him. Into the phone she tells me, "Don't say a word."

Me: "You had the wrong keys all this time? Does the keychain look like yours?"

J: "No."

Me: "And you didn't notice that until the AAA driver pointed it out to you?"

J: "Just shut up."

I love my cousin.

I believe this is yours...

Cousin J calls me and begins the conversation with, “You’ll never guess what I did.” Everybody knows that this is usually the beginning of a good story, but with my cousin, it usually means I’m about to really have a good laugh. You have to understand that J is sometimes the epitome of every blond joke that gets told. She is incredibly book smart, but when it comes to common sense, she sometimes forgets to access her knowledge bank.

Prepared for anything, I sit back and ask, “what did you do this time?” She giggles and sends me a picture of her car with a gas nozzle and hose hanging from the gas tank. The picture is similar to this one except it was legitimately her car parked on the side of the road.

 J: “I couldn’t figure out why everyone was honking at me so I would just wave at them as they passed me. Finally I thought I’d pull over because I thought maybe my tire was flat or something and I saw the hose. And here I thought everyone was just being really friendly.”
Me: “ummm....”
J: “I don’t know what to do with it. Should I return it?”
Me: “I guess you can do that.”
J: “Well, you’re the smart one, is that what you’re supposed to do you?”
Me: “I’ve never wanted to take one home so I am not really sure of the proper protocol here. So, you just drove off? I mean, really, how did you forget that your car was attached to a gas pump?”
J, giggling again: “I don’t really know. I’ve never forgotten before. You know what, I’m just going to take it back. Hang on, I’m turning around. Good thing I only went a few blocks up the road.”

At this point, I am on speaker phone and I hear her mumble “Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m taking it back, quit honking” which makes me wonder...

Me: “J?”
J: “Huh?” 
Me: “Did you at least remove the nozzle from your tank before you started driving again?”
J: “No, I’m taking it back to the gas station just like this so the guy doesn’t think I put it in my trunk to steal it.”
Me: “I see”
J: “Well, it’s true though, Cuz. I mean imagine how stupid I would look if I just pulled up, opened my trunk and pulled out the gas thing.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m sure you’d look pretty stupid...”

A few moments pass and she tells me to hang on while she talks to the gas attendant. Still on speaker phone, I hear this in the background. “Hey, umm, I believe this is yours” followed by some mumbling from what I assume is the attendant, then “yeah, I bet it happens all the time, huh? Oh, it really doesn’t? Oh. Well, I brought it back.” More undecipherable mumbling follows. I am pretty well into my laughter by the time she gets back into the car.

J: “Are you laughing at me?”
Me: "Yes, yes I am. What did the guy say?”
J: “I’m mad at him.”
Me: “Why are you mad at him?”
J: “Because he was rude and laughed at me.”
Me: “I see...”

Have you backed up your battery?

One day a few years back, I called my cousin, J, who lives several states away. She told me she would have to call me back because she just got her new cell phone upgrade delivered and she needs to get it set up so she can return her old one. We hung up with the understanding that after she transferred the information to her new cell, she would call me back. An hour passes by, so I sent her a text asking if things were okay. She immediately replied back with a “who is this?” Hesitantly, I responded back telling her who I was, thinking it was joke. Next thing I know my phone rings and this is what follows:

Me (answering the phone with a sarcastic tone): “Do you remember me now?”
J (giggling): “Sorry, cuz, I lost all of my contacts. Can you help me get them back?”
Me: “And how am I supposed to help you from 3,000 miles away?”
J: “I don’t know. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I pulled the phone out of the box and turned it on but my contacts were missing. Then I remembered I had to get them from my old phone, so I transferred them over but they are still missing.”
Me: “Are you sure you transferred them over?”
J: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, how did you transfer them?”
J (sighing very deeply): “I took the battery out of my old phone and put it in my new phone then I restarted it but all of my stuff is still gone.”
Me: “Your battery?”
J: “Yes, my battery. I went into the settings and made sure I saved all my contacts and pictures, then I took the battery out and put it in my new phone. It didn’t work though. Now I don’t know what to do.”

At this point, J is starting to sound really desperate, but I was in a state of disbelief, thinking I was missing something.

Me: “Okay, J, just so I’m clear on this -- you saved your contacts in your old phone to your battery, then put that battery in your new phone?”
J: “Yes, that’s what I said.”
Me: “I see the problem. Do you always save things to batteries?”

J senses things have gone awry so she hesitates.

Me (trying really hard not to laugh): “Where is your old phone?”
J: “I packed it in the box and gave it to the mailman because I had to return it.”
Me: “So it’s gone already?”
J: “Yes, the mailman took it. It’s gone.”
Me: “Oh, J...okay. Did you see the little black plastic that was under the battery?”
J: “You mean the SIM card?”
Me (very excitedly, because I think we're getting somewhere): “Yes, yes, the SIM card, exactly. What did you do with it?”
J: “I didn’t want anyone to get my personal information that might be saved on there so I threw it in the shredder, why?”

Me: "You threw it in the shredder?"

J: "Yes, should I not have done that?"

Me, in total disbelief: “Well, dear cousin, because that is what you saved all your contacts and pictures to -- not your battery.”

After a full minute of silence, J responded with a “well, sh*t” at which point my laughter erupted out of me. To this day, I constantly ask her if she has backed her battery up. She promptly replies with a fairly nasty retort that never fails to make me laugh.